um.....

I am sore.....my Pilates instructor killed us the other day......I just wanted to share that with someone since I'm sitting here in my office all alone and suffering....well....not suffering, I don't really know what suffering is....but I could imagine it's a bit like this......and now I'm probably giong to go eat popcorn for breakfast, later.

I wonder......

I wonder......

What it is inside us that makes us desire things.....what is it about our nature that makes us want stuff? I watched this woman on Oprah that would rather look beautiful and spend money on her hair and nails than provide health insurance for her six children....Why?
I walked around the mall tonight and coveted my little....well big booty off. I wanted things and stuff and I wanted them now! It really is annoying, it makes life less than tolerable at times. I hate that i have to struggle and make pacts with myself to not buy this or not buy that. Why?

I wonder....

What I'm meant to be in this life....I know I say that missions is my calling and it's what I see God asking me to do with my life, but I still do not know what that looks like. I wonder if I have what it takes to be on the mission field? Is it all just something that I've made up? a speaker that I heard this week talked about how we are never given the exact road map for life. We are not given a promise of a plan from God, but we are given the promise of good thoughts from God. I was not really happy with this understanding. While good thoughts from God can't really be a bad thing, it is not an exact thing, and that is what I'm looking for right about now. If not an exact thing, a clue that I'm heading inthe right direction would be nice. It seems with so many avenues available out there and all the places inthe world to work, how can one person ever find where they are supposed to be? I don't know, maybe none of this makes sense... I know we are supposed to trust and obey, but sometimes this just sucks. I've put in all these years at seminary and I still do not know if I am cut out to work in minsitry.
I know this is a lot of boring self-doubt stuff....but it's all stuff that I'm wondering about...

I wonder.....

If grandma and uncle Dean hang out together in heaven......and if it will ever be normal for them to not be around....

I wonder.....

If the recent weather has to do with global warming and if my little bit of recycling is going to help in changing things.....but these are things I wonder about everyday. Do we make a difference in the little things we do? I sure hope so, in a world with so many problems it's nice to know that we can help in some way.....

just working out some kinks....

So I'm using this space as a way to think about a paper that I am writing for my Theology class....

I'm trying to address the responsibilty of the church in caring for the environtment. This is to be "proven" by first understanding the nature of the church, but first we have to understand the nature of God in order to understand the nature of the church.

I've read in moltmann about the word Holy.....holy is something that is only what God is.....It is through God's decision to be in realtionship with us that we can become holy, that is by relation only, not because of anything that we do. However, Moltmann talks about how humanity was not the first thing choosen to be holy.....God's evnironment, His resting place was considered first and foremost to be holy, he associated HImself with creation, and even said that it was good.

It we through our redemption in Jesus name and actions are then holy, and set apart from that which is not, then we are to uphold all that God considers to be Holy meaning creation. If we are to disengage from, or ignore, or even mistreat that which is considered holy to God, are we not then failing to be like him, which is what that church is called to be, like God?

Living a holy life is not about a certain lifestyle or a framwork from whichin we work.....instead I think as indicated by Moltmann, it is to become like God, doesn't this mean that we relate to all of creation in the way that God does, to value it and almost even revel in it? We are to live freely and happily in the Holiness that God has allowed us to experience, this includes his Holy creation. How can we experience that if we are not holding it's prime potential in the highest regard????

Just what I've been thinking about.....I'm sure there will be more as the research progresses!

mmmmm Fall......

Yesterday I stepped outside and breathed in a great big breath of Fall! And as I sit here with a mug of cold apple cider, reminiscing about that moment I think about how odd this fall is. When most things in nature are reaching the end of a cycle, I feel like I'm growing. I'm not quite sure why this is, I'm happy about it, no doubt about that, I'm just not sure as to where it is leading.

For a while now I have felt quite dead. Which is also weird, because recently I fell in love, and while I have had these feelings of love toward a wonderful man, I still feel like I have been lacking emotion in general, I have been apathetic to most of the world around me, hard and cold. it's not a pretty feeling, I do not enjoy it. But for some reason as of late I've felt a bit of hope seep its way back into my life. I actually have the desire these days to get up off my butt and go for a bike ride or take a walk, even, dare I say...work out.... I am not saying that happiness is working out.....that would be sad....
if I was honest with myself I would say I was, and probably still am going through a season of mourning. Losing loved ones is a part of it, but mostly, mourning the loss of a phase of life. This summer I think I realized where I am at currently in life and it scared me, it still does. With a grandparent passing and another almost passing and still sick, I realize that I am not longer the youngest generation of my family and that the oldest generaztion is fading. It's my turn to be a part of the middle generation...time to sit at the grown up table, maybe tote children to the granparents house, but this time the granparents are not my grandparents, they are my parents.
In the words of the bad early 90's TV show, "Life Goes On." I never really understood why the show was called that, but it coined a phrase for anyone who is remotely touched by the generation it influenced. Life goes on, we can not stop it, we can only learn to live in it, enjoy the reminiscing of the past and look forward to the future.
I think that recently realizing what happened to me this summer is what has sparked this inspriation back into my life. I feel more passionate about life about God about my work, and it is a lovely feeling, even if it is exhausting.
So my words of wisdom/advice/encouragement/ are as follows just as the seasons of this world come and go, so do the seasons of life. Just as the times of sadness and mourning occur so do the times of joy and lightheartedness, and it is for these valleys and mountains that we give thanks to God, because he is there with us, in all that we experience He experiences with us. I believe that God experienced Fall with me the other day, it was almost as if he said, "Look! it is over, this is a new season, let's see how we go!"