amazing....just amazing......

I would like to take this opportunity to say that I have the most amazing grandpa in all of history. You know how when you were little, people always ask you if there's one person that you want to be when you grow up? I really couldn't answer that question when I was little, but now, at the age of 23, I think I found out who I want to be when I grow up, I want to be like my grandpa. He seriously is one of the most rational, wise, intelligent indviduals I have ever had the pleasure of conversing with.
When I was little he could not have been more distant from my brother and I, grandma included. We didn't have a good experience with my dad's mom and dad, they were cold and often very picky about when they saw us or spent time with us. I often thought that they just didn't like us, or that they liked my cousins better, of course it didn't help that we lived in another state, never the less, I didn't really like them.
When I moved to Anderson to go to school, I made the effort, dragging my feet all the way, to spend time with them. I knew that it would mean alot to my parents if I made the effort, and they said that it would mean alot to my grandparents if I made the effort. While I found this hard to believe I went ahead and started going to breakfast with them, or church, or just stop by their house on occasion to chat. Seriously, one of the smartest things I've ever done.
My grandpa has been in the ministry between 50 and 60 years. There is more wisdom in his head then I could ever hope to have. He's preached all over the world, people know who he is all over the world and respect them. WHen I was in Uganda, and was introduced to the church the missionary said, "This is Arlo Newell's Graddaughter," and the congregation all shook there heads in agreement accompanied with a few, "ah ha's" Seriously, UGANDA. He's an accomplished writer with several books...and he's my grandpa! no one elses (well, besides my cousins) People respect him and love him and seek out his advice.
But what I love the most about him is his humbleness and gentle spirit. I never feel as though I'm being judged, or looked down upon because the views I have. I feel safe around him, and loved and cared for. That is so much what I want to be, a safe haven for people, where they can feel comfortable around me and not have to worry about being judged or feel like they're unimportant. I realize that I have a long way to go, I'm just hoping that someday I can reach that point where my grandpa is.
His journey has been rough,and full of criticism, rude people who took advantage of his kindness and walked all over him, and still, he stands fast in his faith and convictions, held tightly to what he beileves and never abandonded the church even when no one would've blamed him for leaving. In a world like this one it is rare to find individuals willing to committ to anything. Most abandon promises at the first taste of inconvenience, everyone is so willing to blow off commitments, or refuse to even make a commitment. Life is not about being happy, life is not about convenience. When I was little I used to think that my Grandpa was a stick in the mud, that he didn't know how to have fun or didn't care. Now that I'm grown up (well, sort of) I realize that grandpa was loving me the best way he knew how, by serving God, instilling in me the importance of faith and commitment to God, the church, and the hurting and lost. I wouldn't trade my experiences with my grandpa for the world. He's left a legacy for me, provided a path for me to follow, and while he more then likely won't be around to see me finish it or the way in which I steer it, my hope is that it will take the same course as he would have choosen.

eeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!

so....I did it....I bought my tickets to Africa, and almost threw up in the back of my mouth while at the Travel agent's office. This is huge. I've never done anything like this before, kinda freaked out. What if I can't cut it, what if people just wonder why the heck I even came? There's nothing like people laughing at you in a language you don't understand. But it'll be good, no it will be amazing. I'm so excited that I think I'm getting to the point of annoying, but honestly I don't care. yay!

Come Pick Me Up

When they call your name,
will you walk right up
with a smile on your face?
or Will you cower in fear
in your favorite sweater?
With an old love letter,
I wish you would...
I wish you would
come pick me up,
take me out,
fuck me up,
steal my records,
screw all my friends,
they’re all full of shit,
with a smile on your face.
and Then do it again...
I wish you would...
When you’re walking downtown,
do you wish i was there
do you wish it was me
with the windows clear and the mannequins eyes
Do they all look like mine
you know you could
i wish you would
come pick me up,
take me out,
fuck me up,
steal my records,
screw all my friends behind my back,
with a smile on your face.
and Then do it again.
I wish you would
i wish you’d make up my bed
so i could make up my mind
try it for sleeping instead
maybe you’ll rest sometime
i wish i could

~Ryan Adams


yeah.....seems about right....

emotion....really?

I often feel like I am caught between two worlds. Rationalism and emotion. And while I'm certain that I am not the only one who has to deal with issues such as these, I would just like to state that it is confusing as hell. I typically find myself trying to close out any possiblity of emotion from my life. Why? well, I just don't know. Maybe I think I'm too cool for emotion, maybe it's a self-defense mechanism, but honestly, it's been so long since I've gotten hurt or really felt something that I'm kind of curious as to what it feels like. Enter emotion situation.
I'm so tired of being numb. Don't get me wrong I enjoy the protection and detachment that comes from being a heartless individual, however, I just don't feel like a human any more. I've come to the realization that if all we can get out of life comes from the day to day process of agendas, schedules five year plans and yearly budgets then damn.....life is just sucky. There is more. There has to be more. I think I've always known that life is more then the day to day stuff, but I think to truly buy into that means relinquishing a great amount of control over one's life. Taking risks on people, on friendships, on relationships takes a great amount of trust and faith and ability to acknowledge the fact that one day you will be let down by those individuals, because they are human and they will let you down. But that doesn't mean that the risk shouldn't be taken.
To emotionally invest in life.....to invest in people.....scary, yet necessary to truly experience life on this great big ball of dirt......Sometimes you have to go back to the basics in order to continue the journey.


P.S. the other day I was driving out to the country area of Anderson, and I saw the really weird dog that looked like a giant house cat. Not like a lion or bobcat......but like a giant housecat the size of a lab......creepy.....

will we ever truly understand ourselves.....

or is a constant matter of evolving. Just when you think you have yourself sorted out and you might understand the ways in which your mind works, something happens, and things get all fucked up again.....It doesn't even have to be something monumental or catestrophic, it could be one simple phrase from a book, or the look of a stranger, an unsuspected evaluation made by a child, ( i.e. a child looking at you and saying to your face..."you are not happy." yeah, it happened) Do we just put all of this on the back burner and continue with life as though everything is what it is and there is nothing to be done about it? or do we search to the point of insanity.
I've been reading a book titled, "women's ways of Knowing." it really is fascinating what the female pschye is capable of. The mental torment and pressure that women place on themselves and the amount of responsiblity that we take on even when no one has asked us to. This is not to say that men do not have issues such as these, but I am female, and I really have no idea what goes on inside of my mind, let alone the opposite sex. The book talks about the ways in which the woman thinks so far it has covered two categories or results of various upbringings, the first being a way in which a woman konws who she is becasue she has been told who she is, or a woman who does not know who she is becasue she has been told what she could be by many people but does not have and inner voice of authority defining who she is. This of course is better expalined by the author, and I might have just massacered the actual definitions of what they were trying to explain, but the bottom line is....I don't think I have ever truly understood who I am and built from that. I have always built from what I have always been told that I am. I have always suppressed my desire to doubt authority because who would tell what is right and wrong if I alienate myself from them. Sad isn't it?Maybe not sad, but certainly something that needs to be worked on.
I feel as though there is a change about to happen in my life, something big. Something that I'm not entirely sure I'm ready for, but something I am excessively excited about, I'm not sure what it will be, but I'm hoping for a little bit of self-revelation.....