a-woo a-hoo!!!!!!!!

So my first semester of Grad school is over.....a good thing?...yes! will the grades be a good thing... no!, but that's ok, only because I can say that I am a different person now then I was four months ago, and I'm ok with that. I pretty much fell flat on my ass this semester, but I think it was something that needed to happen. Everyone needs to be taken down a notch or two every now and then. There's nothing like being the "new guy" and being reminded that you are a moron and you don't really know or understand anything about life.
But it's cool, this Christmas break will be a good time to re-group and get myself ready to do it all over again.

And now I'm going to go grocery shopping because I ate my last can of soup for lunch today and now I seriously have nothing edible in my house.....seriously....I think I have beets...in a can....

RENT

....I don't think I can talk about this right now....I'll have to get back to you.....

and I'm back. I think I'm ready to talk about this now.....maybe...if I trail off or stop suddenly, don't be frightened, one of these days I'll get it straightened out.

So Sunday night a bunch of us went out to dinner and a movie for Cheris's birthday. The movie of choice RENT! I thought, great! I love musicals, my biggest concern going into the movie was, "Man I hope that didn't cheese this up." Little did I know that I would spend the nest two hours on an emotional roller coaster.

Some might read what I've just written and think good grief, what an emotional mess. And well honestly I am (who isn't really) I just try my hardest not to ever let anyone see my emotional side. That's why this experience in the movie theatre kinda..well.... scared me. About 15 minutes into the movie I was getting a little teary eyed, aww how cute, that was touching....about an hour into the movie I was sobbing...literally...sobbing (quitely of course). And I did not stop until the end of the movie.
While this mess of tears and sobs was going on, I wasn't really understading why I was having this reaction to the movie, all I knew was that it was breaking my heart, and forcing me to feel deeper then I had in a long time. I don't think it was the AIDS or the drug addictions or the broken hearts or the poverty, or maybe it was, but I think that will take a whole other blog entry....what I think it was was me recognizing that those people (well characters...I realize they aren't real) were feeling and experiencing more then ever have. I saw what it might look like if I was to let myself feel again. Or what it might be like to fall in love again.
And I think that it broke my heart to think that I, an individual who claims to have the truth, and understand the most ultimate love to have ever been presented to the whole of humanity, can't even commit to a second date, or won't express to a person how much they really mean to me because I'm afraid that they'll throw it back in my face.....I'll be back....I have to work on this a little more before I finish my thoughts....
It was just really hard to acknowledge the fact that I'm no where near the person I want to be. I never will be until I learn to let go of my past, not forget it, but stop letting it hold me back. To free myself from the guilt and shame, and pleasure that came from it. To truly find the happiness in my decision to be where I am in life. To follow and be obedient to God....it seems so simple, and yet, one of the hardest things that I have ever done. Good grief, is it ever going to get any easier....will I ever learn to stop over analyzing every tiny detail, or event or mistake that has ever happened? Am I ever going to just learn what it means to be vulnerable, to stand in front of a person or people, and say, "Here I am, take it or leave it."
When am I going to be able to say to someone..."I love you,"....man, woman, child, grandparent, cousin.....when will I be able to say it, a truly understand what I'm telling them.....when?
hmmm...prolly not the normal reaction to Rent, and I'm not sure where to go from here...it's taken me the better part of the week to think about this stuff....huh, who knew it would take a movie to put a crack in my wall......

Dear Snow:

I feel as though I owe you an apology...I'll admit, for the last few years I've hated you, you're cold, you mess up plans, make driving miserable and you tend to always ruin my favorite shoes...and jeans. I realize that the increasing responsibilities that come with getting older has the tendency to make you lose your child-like appreciation for 8 in. of snow. However as I've gotten older, I've had to drive to work in the snow, shovel my own sidewalk, and dig out my truck, so you can see where you get annoying.
However, I also realize that my hatred for you could be slightly curbed should I try to find the beauty in you. Outdoor scenes are quite "post card-esque" when you come around, fire places become warmer, and you certainly seal the deal on the holiday season ora. I remember the days when I used to pray for snow, it was one of the most exciting things about winter! And so I just want to say that I would like to once again become friendly with you.
All of that just to say, Snow, I'm sorry, I don't hate you, and I don't hope that I never see you again.... And I'm sorry about all the profanity...that was rude of me. However I would like to request that you refrain from making yourself present 8 inches at a time....just a suggestion...

Sincerely,
Miriam Newell

oh the Diet Coke

so this morning while I was delaying the inevitable task of writing a paper, I was watching Dr. 90210.....um I think I threw up in the back of my mouth several times. on the TV they display large hunks of human flesh and fat laying on a surgical table. I felt as though I might cry. I watched as the Dr. made a new belly button for this lady. I can honetly say that I hope that I never need my belly button re-created. It made me wonder if I would ever have plastic surgery. A topic that I am typically extremely against. however the people on there that were going through this process were doing it b/c they had lost a large amount of weight and needed a tummy tuck and what not. I guess I see the validity of it, but still, to have large amounts of flesh removed from the body? it just isn't natural......

I started my new job yesterday...it's amazing how livid people can get about movie rentals...

also today before I made my way over to the library aka home, I was making a sandwich for lunch. I thought to myself, "man I wish I had a diet Coke in the fridge," being somewhat distraught, I went on with the constructing of the sandwhich, and when I was done I check in the fridge just to make sure I didn't have a diet coke in there. Much to my surprise there was one lone diet coke in the back of a fridge pack to which I responded, out loud I might add, "YAY!" At which point I shook my head at the sadness of my life and thought, "good Lord, I have got to start dating again...."


oh and P.S. apparently I've put on my winter layer of face fat.....thanks Cheris, only a true friend will tell you you look like squirrel.....

bloody hell.....

At 3:00 I saw a few flakes swirling about as I headed out to the gym, I thought to myself, "and so it begins," If I only knew how dead on I was.....By the time I left the wellness Center my windshield was covered, an hour later, when I thought it best to stock up on snow prevention/removal equipment I found myself doing "high-knees" to get to my truck, which of course does not have the sand bags in it yet and therefore was fishtailing like a mother. Where the hell did tis come from?!?!?!.....I will never again doubt the weathermen of Indiana. I'll admit I did not believe them and the hype about this storm, but sweet Moses!

And so starts the months of wet jeans and frost-bit ears.

Today was my last day at work....sadness. Although Abel, this Mexican guy that I work with, told a joke about Mexicans....it was hilarious ....yet odd. I will miss the people that I work with, they've turned out to be a lot of fun, however I will not miss a job that revolves around the beck and call of angry rude and typically greedy people. It is only by the grace of God have I not quit this job sooner.
So I start at Family Video tomorrow....it's just one minimum-wage job after another...at least this time I will know that each time I go into work I will get the same amount as the last time I went into work, and that my friend is good news. That and I get to work with two of my most favoritest people in the world, Nick and Cheris Miller!!!!!

One of these days I'll have a job that involves meaning.....

And now I shall return to my studies. This paper about Gothic architecture HAS to be turned in this week. It is now officially over a month late....tunrs out, I suck at Grad school.....new motto, "C" is for commissioning

um.....

Today has been weird.....we had our Christmas luncheon/chapel today at the seminary....it seemed to be alot less about Jesus, turkey, and presents, and a little more about suffering, sloppy joes and a plethera of cookies.....Then after that I had class in which we discussed both open and process theology, both of which are ridiculous and yet, it can really throw a wrench in the machine...did I just really say that? Not only that, but most of the people around here are starting in on the final mode...you know the one where everyone turns into an ass....yeah...it's good times.

However last night I watched Fantastic Four....so good, so funny. The human torch is totally my brother with a special fire powers, oh it made me laugh, I love that guy! (my brother, not the human torch)

I got a new book today!


I'm so excited for break, HURRY UP CHRISTMAS!!!!!!

Oh...good....Lord.....

I dont' know if you can post twice on one day...but I'm gonna, simply b/c I want to share with the world the wonder that is graduate school. Not only do professors cram a whole week's worth of "stuff" into one three hour class sesion per week, plus assign papers out the ass which in turn takes all time available and leaving none for any type of personal life, they don't even help you out when it comes to the final exam! often their response to,"What will be on the final exam," is typically..."everything you've learned in the past four months."...cool.....in the past four months we've read and analyzed all four Gospels, read four exegetical or commentarical books, and wrote three exegetical papers! sure...I'll reveiw all of that...its cool...I have time, it's all about you Doc....it's all about you......



oh the stress level......

oh the weather outside is frightful.....

and there is no fireplace in my apt. thus the fire is not delightful....however the rest of the day is delightful because it is my good friend's birthday!Yay Nick Miller, seriously, one of my top favorite people! However I do feel sorry for the chap, he was born on a dreay dreay day. I realize that 24 yrs. ago it may not have been this bloody cold, but I could only imagine that it woudn't be too much different. Anyway...HAPPY BIRTHDAY NICK! I heart you very very much, you and your wife are amazing people. (except, I don't really know if he reads this thing...)

Also, I would like to make a statement that, if I ever were to rule the world, I would teach people how to distribute rock salt properly.....the sidewalk guys at AU suck and therefore I have almost bit it once or twice on this blistery day. Yes a bit of this clumsiness could be blamed on my lack of gracefulness, but surely not all of those, "oh shit!" moments were my fault....

Lastly, I want to take this opportunity to say that I love love love my history teacher, Dr. Froese. Here are some reasons why. a) he is German and therefore he does not always speak in complete sentences. b) His wife has a paralyzing disease and you could not find a more happy or satisfied couple, it's amazing, they consider their suffering a blessing. c) Today he was walking in the snow and I don't think I've seen a more perfect example of an old German man. (not that I really have anything to compare him to) he had on his little cap, was very straight faced, and a big heavy green coat, it was probably the cutest thing I'd ever seen, not going to lie, I kinda want him to be my grandpa.

and now I must write a multitude of Pastoral Theology reflective journals...cool.....

sometimes you lead, sometimes you follow...

I always said I would never do this....you know share my life with the cyber world.....But here I am, letting go of my privacy bit by bit, oh well, at least I have something to do on breaks between papers eh?