what I want....and maybe what I've been afraid to ask for .....

Tangible

A farm
lots of animals
children
travel
my family close by
to be ridiculously fit
to be independently wealthy
a job I love


Intangible

More intelligence
courage
contentment (which seems ironic when thinking about making a list of things I want....)
to be rid of anger
motivation
clarification
more love
open eyes

Why...

Because of all the other options out there, the sacrifice of Christ is the one that I feel in my bones....

I've been spending time with lots of individuals who are not Christians. They ask questions about me, who I am. Why I studied what I studied in school. All their questions make me think about the choices I've made even why I've stuck with Christianity in all of my criticism of it....

But I've got to say that out of all the other religions and the words of their leaders, the story of Christ is the one that makes me feel. The words of Buddha, Ghandi, Mohammed, the stories of native tribes all give me wisdom and guidance and truth. They broaden my mind and help me to see how God has spoken to people of all types throughout the course of time and history. But the story of Christ.... that is the one that gets me. Every. Time.

Because all of those other wise people and legacies never came to this earth with me in mind. Their stories don't include me. They include the world and the community that I am involved in and live in, but they don't mention how they thought about me as they died, so that I can live and be who I was created to be.

And in this world of indifference, that tiny little glimpse of me as the faces of the world flashed in the mind of Christ as he suffered upon the cross, that is what makes all the difference.

I think I figured it out

I just want to take care of people....

I've struggled with this thought of maybe I'm abandoning what I thought was a call to go to Africa. but when i think about what i want to do there....it plays out to be the same sort of thing that I want to be here. And that is to take care of people who have been wronged by those who are supposed to love them the most.

In Africa, I've just wanted to care for orphans. And I know that not all of them have been "wronged" lots have just lost parents due to death and disease. But When i think about what I want to do here i want to take care of people who have been mistreated by the church.

And if I CPE myself, I think the root of this desire is that i want to compensate for what I've seen the church do to my family and families like mine. And I think to pursuit this desire is not unhealthy. I know that i will never get an apology from those who treated my mom and dad poorly and made church into an angry place for me. But i can provide a safer place for people who have experienced the same sort of situation. Providing a safe space.....that's what I want to do. Wherever I am in this world, I want to provide a safe space.

simplicity of sacredness

I was driving in the car yesterday when I thought about the sacredness of life. That which is holy. Why do we try so hard to touch that which we think is sacred. I think about some church traditions and their methodology to reach a sacred moment in their services or life. They must walk through the steps of cleansing and preparation. While I respect these traditions and the reasoning behind them and the tradition that comes with them....I'm not quite sure of the necessity. I think we sell ourselves short so often of what we are to God. We are god's own. we are not broken useless pieces of trash that must cleanse ourselves before we come before the great God of the universe. To God we are priceless treasures, pieces of masterful artwork. God's own creation. Why do we try to label ourselves as broken objects that need fixing. There is already a sacred component about us. While we are not fully sacred, we do possess sacredness in that we have been touched by that which is sacred. For someone or something can not come into the presence of the divine and not leave forever changed. We must seek that God that dwells within to understand the God of that which is outer. We must connect with that which is already divine within so that we can live that divineness in an outward fashion.

I thought that moving to Colorado would put me in touch with that divineness...but the truth is that God has never left me, but I have left myself. I have lived out of my body seeking that which is around me to define my importance and legitimacy. But why not rely on the tangible when I am feeling lost? What I can touch, feel, know....me. Knowing that I am enough. That I have divine components because I have a God that desires to walk through life with me. I do not have to go seek him. I have to stay where I am, in the present and feel the complex beauty of living, breathing, thinking, feeling, loving. A heart beat a finger twitch. All evidence that divine lies within.

We need not look out there or search intensely for a God that will suddenly appear and reveal the secrets of life so that we might then know how to live. There is no answer to the riddle of what the future holds or how to bring those things to pass. There is no moment at which we will finally understand....instead there is now. What we know now is that we are here, we have been created, we are loved, and what we know to be true is the truth that we can live in for the moment. Beauty happens in the moment, God speaks through the beauty of those moments in both the large and the small things. When we are able to allow ourselves to be enveloped in those moments, we can understand just how simple sacredness can be.

Every moment a new masterpiece

Since moving out west I have been astounded by the ever changing beauty of the mountains. I have never in my life experienced something like this. Each morning when I leave for work @ 5:40 am I get to see the sunrise over the mountains. And I have yet to come across a morning where I was disappointed in the sun's announcement of its arrival. Even on the days when it's cloudy, there is always some interesting play of textures in the sky that make the most breathtaking display.

I know I have written about this before, but the easiest way for me to relate to God is for me to see God as an artist. A fearless artist. One that works in mediums of rock, water, fire, wind, and most impressively, flesh. but what is most astounding God is an artist that does not go on hiatus. Always working manipulating, intimately involved in the ongoing masterpiece of this world. And for this I am so thankful. Because even though I feel like the church has failed me, out here I am being constantly reminded that I am not alone. I work, live, breath, think, love, act all for a God that is great enough to create sights that cause me to have a visual orgasm on a daily basis. And for what? Was it necessary? I don't think so, I think the beauty around us is a bonus, like a gift that spouse sends its loved one on a Tuesday just to remind one that he/she is loved.

And I like that. It's easy, sincere, sacred. I've learned to look at the work of God from masterpiece to masterpiece rather than Sunday to Sunday. For me it's easy, sincere, sacred and what I need for the moment.

Being OK with other people's kids....

So I've been thinking a lot lately about what it would be like to have kids. I think that now must be the time because I'm almost 30 and isn't that when people are supposed to have kids? Cause after that you're too old? right?

Man I hope not. I love my life. I like quiet evenings and I like not wiping poopy butts 3-4 times/day. I like my cats and I like that sometimes they don't like to be around me....I just don't think kids (at least not for 13 yrs or so) would want that kind of space. I like venturing around without rhyme or reason with my husband and not worrying about nap time or melt downs in the grocery store. I have a hard enough time not melting down in the grocery store myself.

So I'm gonna say that for now, I'm OK with other people's kids. I like the Rowe kids. They're crazy but always a good time. I like my nieces and their adorable smiles and the fact that I am their one and only Auntie. So for now I'll love on other people's kids and then smile happily about the time I spent with them as I walk out the door and head to my cozy apartment for two.

Checking in....

On my New Years resolutions


I have lost 10 lbs, yay! But I have also stopped counting points, so I need to get back on that.....

I have not been brushing my teeth or using floss.....boo. I just don't like to do it.....

I have been reading one book per month, I think this has been excellent!

Some books I've read....

-Mutant Message Down Under

-Purple Hibiscus

-The Thing Around Your Neck

-Organize Your Life

I have not done yoga 3 time/week....I gave my yoga DVD to my mom to borrow and have not got it back from her yet.

I still read a news article per day. (twitter helps with this IMMENSELY)

I do not read a passage of scripture per day.

I have been sewing and doing a tad bit of painting, it comes and goes in spurts.

And that's all i can remember of my resolutions.

I give myself a C- as it stand right now, but we aren't quite to midterms yet so, ya never know, eh?

In regards to options....

I think I think too much about what could be....and it has been my demise. Not in a, "my life is over!" kind of demise, but in a, "my inability to make a decision has stalled my life," kind of way.

I think my "wide-eyed" take on the world has kept me from focusing on one thing. It's just that, i don't want to make the wrong choice. I don't want to pick the wrong path and then look back on my life with disappointment. But in doing so, I've really prohibited myself from making any type of decision.....

This must end....Time to make decisions.....

my name is Miriam....

and I exist damn it.